Scene #1
“What’s that you’re hiding behind your back?”
“Nothing you need
to know about, nosy-parker.”
“Oh, I saw it. That’s a pack of
cigarettes! You don’t smoke.”
“Says you. I do too, smoke.”
“Yeah, when did you ever smoke?”
“Well, when I get really
stressed out and there’s no one to talk to. Or when I want to
spend some time alone. Usually in the bathroom with the window
open, or out by the pergola at the back of the garden.”
“Does
your momma know you smoke that evil weed?”
“No, and you can’t
tell her. She’d have a hissy fit for sure. Probably drive her
blood pressure so high she’d have a stroke right on the spot and
die in that awful nursing home. Do you want that on your
conscience?”
“Okay, so I won’t tell your momma if you give me
one too.”
“This I gotta see. Miss Smarty-pants smoking her
first cigarette.”
“Well, everyone can’t be as wicked as you.”
“You’re absolutely right. It’s a real burden to be the wicked
one in every group. And just so you know, snorting is not a bit
ladylike.”
“Snorting? Who’s snorting? That was a laugh.”
“If you say so. It sure did sound like Miss Penny’s pet pig Petal
sitting right here next to me for a moment.”
“Okay, if you must
be so crude, I’ll admit I’ve been having a lot of sinus problems
lately. I can’t help it if my laugh sounds like a snort. Do you
think I want to sound like a stopped up drain, or even worse, that
infernal Petal?”
“True friend that I am, I pledge never to
mention your snorting again.”
“Thanks, sweetums. Now what the
devil are you up to?”
“I’m going to see if I can still skin the
cat on that tree branch.”
“Are you out of your mind? What if
someone sees you? What if you fall and break something? And
you’re wearing your second best dress. You’d better stop that
right now.”
“You can be such a spoilsport sometimes. There’s
nothing to it. I used to do this all the time… Do you think you
could give me a hand and pull my skirt out of my face? I’m a
little bit stuck here.”
“You are going to be the death of me
yet, Hazel.”
“The death of you? I’m the one with her hiney
swinging in the breeze here… oh, look… it’s the mayor’s wife coming
up the front walk. It must be time for the Garden Society to
arrive. Better help me get down from here.”
“Whoo boy! Did
you see the color of that old biddy’s face when she saw your
‘Saturday’ underpants? I never thought the old girl could move as
fast as she did on her way back out the gate. Why, she’s moving so
fast I can see the bottom of her girdle showing where her skirt’s
blown up.”
“WE SEE LONDON, WE SEE FRANCE, WE… What’s the idea
of slapping your hand over my mouth like that?”
“Oh, get
yourself down from that tree. I’ll never live this down. You know
that woman has a tongue like a viper and her sole purpose in life
is to tell everything she knows. Especially if it’s something you
don’t want anyone in the world to know.”
“If you’re going to be
such a crybaby about it, I suppose I could go and let the air out
of her tires while she’s at Mizz Miffleton’s. ‘Course it’ll be too
late to stop the gossip, but I’ll do it if it will make you stop
crying. You’re sounding like Petal again.”
“You promised not
to mention that again. Some friend you are. Why can’t you just
act your age for once? Just once, that’s all I ask.”
“Oh,
look! I found my glasses… I’ll act my age when I’m in the rest
home. What do you think a seventy-eight year old is supposed to
act like, anyway?”
“Shut up and pour me some more of that
tonic.”
“Oh frazzledump! I just read the label on this bottle
with my glasses on. That fool Ernie crossed out ‘Spring Tonic’ and
wrote ‘Elderberry Wine’. I keep telling him to use a thick marker.
I couldn’t read this wimpy pencil mark he made without my
glasses.”
“Well, that explains your trip up the tree. Do you
suppose the rest of the Garden Society will arrive before we sober
up?”
“They’ll all show up today, because by now the mayor’s
wife has alerted the entire group and they’ll all want to be here
to see our disgrace in person.”
“Oh, quick… duck! The mayor’s
wife and Mizz Miffleton are out on the Miffletons’ porch. They’re
pointing this way.”
“Well, it’s too late to let the air out of
Mrs. Mayor’s tires. But maybe Mizz Miffleton will think the
mayor’s wife is loco.”
“Not if you keep bobbing your head up
over the hedge like that, and laughing loud enough for the entire
neighborhood to hear.”
“Well, let’s really give them something
to talk about. Yoohoo!!! Mrs. Mayor! Mizz Miffleton! We’re
ready for our closeup! Ooomph! Stop yanking me back down. I want
to see their faces.”
“Oh, forget them. We’d better finish this
bottle of wine and bury the evidence before everyone arrives.
It’ll be our word against that hoighty-toighty mayor’s wife.”
“You are so right. What they can’t find they can’t prove. Or what
they can’t prove they can’t find. I forget.”
“Besides, there’s
never anything to do in this old town. They should thank us for
providing free entertainment for the afternoon.”
“You tell ‘em,
Mildred. You’re never too old to have a little fun.”
